Waters With No Light
A number of years ago, I felt as though I did not pray enough and was sensing some conviction about playing the hypocrite by writing books and posts about intimacy with Christ, praying and reading the Word. I've learned that we don't live out this Christian life alone and so, among other things that I do to learn, worship, grow, and mature is to read really good books by authors who are not hypocrites. I read authors who lived out the Christ in you, discipleship of Christ, and not the money-maker preachers.
So, in my quest to be a more sincere pray-er, I started to re-read E. M. Bounds complete book of prayer, again, and I thought...maybe, "I'll get it this time around."
Over a two year period of time, the more I read, the more I prayed, the more I prayed, the more I read. My circumstances were drastically changing around me, as I was suffering one loss after another. The losses from death of family members, friendships, and the real losses from betrayals, mounted as I had not expected, nor seen. I found myself alone. Yet, I prayed.
Towards the end of the two years, the mounting losses had taken their toll and I found myself resenting God in my prayers, yet I prayed. I did not understand the relationship of the extreme losses and what I perceived to be the purposes of prayer, a part of which is "...when you ask and pray in My name, ask what you will and it will be done unto you...".
As it was, at the end of the two years time, I literally could not pray and refused to pray any more. I resented God, but kept that to myself...I did to say that out loud to Him...He already knew it.
Three years have passed since that end, and I have discovered yet, a few more things about me and this Christ Jesus that I know and Who knows me. One, at some point in all of our lives, we have to learn to live this Christ life out without any shenanigans, that is -relying on other people to do our worship, our praying, our reading, and our obedience, for us. What we do, or become, it is as a result of what we have done, what He has done in us and what He is able to do through us in our obedience to Him.
Secondly, what I bring to God's table is insufficient. He doesn't care what I think. I have learned to obey, and trust, and He actually does everything He said that He would do...but not according to my expectations or interpretations.
Third, I've looked back many times over those years and my ignorance of what was about to happen in my life, and have come to the awareness that God was preparing to carry me through that period of time, as He has throughout all of my life. I've been the jerk who lacked understanding, and He never was. He carried me, and is still carrying me, even still.